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It's a bird, it's a plane...
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| Pleasant Morning |
[29 May 2006|10:26am] |
|
!!! SURPRISE !!! It's a ........
! ! ! ! ! T R A N S I T S T R I K E ! ! ! ! !
Aaaaargh
Walking up Yonge street this morning, it was like Day of the Dead, man!!!
All those grim-looking hordes of people slowly shuffling down the hill ...
I remind you all .... The only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the brain!
It only took me 1 hour 10 minutes to walk to work but why did I bother? Nobody is here!
LOL on how I could totally have gotten brownie points for this athletic effort made in the spirit of total committment to professionalism if only this wasn't my last week at this job!
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| Another humiliating book store adventure! |
[12 May 2006|04:15pm] |
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I resigned from my job today, because the new director is quite evil. The announcement caused craziness in the office and a lot of shock so I had to spend all day dealing with upset people crying people and the poor abandoned schmucks left on my team, etc. So I am pretty off my game this Friday!
I left the office to get maybe four doughnuts & power snack them hard, and ended up at the book store as usual. I figured OK GIRL get a gift for Mother's Day while you are here. Chapters has a bunch of candles, picture frames, that sort of thing. I found a metal tub to grow cherry tomatoes in. Ooo ooo special... Tomaters!!! I will get this gift of mini tomaters.
I drag myself over to the counter. Really still dreading going back to the office where upset people live now.
Book store guy: (scans the box) This got a great review in the New York Times.
Me: (off in outer space) Mhh? That's good.
Book store guy: Um, that's a literary joke. Because it's NOT a book.
Me: Oh. mmm..ok
Book store guy: (bitchy) I guess that joke only works in the Annex.
WHOA
( BACK THE FUCK UP MISTER You did NOT just DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT )
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| TOOO RA LOO RA !!!!!!! |
[17 Mar 2006|11:02am] |
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mood |
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Fightin Irish |
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music |
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pan flute 24/7 |
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I have about twenty pieces of St. Patrick's Day gear on today at the office. Instead of starting the day drunk I made a concession to professionalism on my sacred "religious holiday" and came into work anyway.
But the new employees don't believe my button that insists I should be kissed because I'm Irish, the rumour from the new receptionist was that I am Palestinian <-- LOL!!!
I have two new buttons this year that blink messages, so I am making a big show of running up to coworkers and slowly showing them all my awesome gear: Sparkly shamrock head band, leprechaun right sock, leprechaun left sock, the whole thing -- With 5 minutes per 30 employees this easily ate up a good portion of the morning. Why can't it be St. Patrick's Day every friday!?!
Had a bit of a downer though, one of my coworkers announced loudly she was NOT celebrating St. Patrick's Day. She can't celebrate it on moral grounds. She was being serious!
"Are you against heavy drinking? LOL!!" <-- I do sometimes say LOL outloud, but you don't say "lawl" you say "el-oh-el".
"No, do you know the history of St. Patrick's Day and what it represents? Do you know what the snakes being chased out of Ireland represents?"
OH NO here we go.
( That sort of comment really puts a downer on somebody who is wearing a boingy shamrock headband! )
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| Now I totally have to move |
[03 Feb 2006|10:36am] |
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mood |
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Just got a call at work from my landlord. There was a 911 call from my apartment!!!
Cops went in, um, the whole city went in, looking to rescue me!!!
Apparently, the phoneline was messed up (maybe), and it was not me who called (obviously).
Perfect day for the city to be in my apartment too. As it is Friday, end of the week, all things are in disarray.
UNDERWEAR LYING EVERYWHERE!!!
SOCK TRAIL LEADING FROM ROOM TO ROOM
EMPTY BAGS (4) OF EXTREME TWIST CHEETOS
BSG DVDS STREWN EVERYWHERE
GYM CLOTHES THROWN OVER ALL 4 CHAIRS to "AIR OUT"
7 DAYS WORTH OF DISHES STACKED ON STOVE
LIQUOR BOTTLES ON FLOOR BESIDE COUCH
USED KLEENIX, THE "CLAIRE SPOOR", IF YOU WILL, ON ALL SURFACES
They called me at work to find out if I had been ABDUCTED FROM MY APARTMENT !
This is so embarrassing. Maybe if I had been abducted that would explain to my landlord, the police detectives, and CSI teams why every room in my apartment has mismatched socks & underwear lying on the floor.
Clearly, she threw them there in the struggle, the report would say.
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| DINOSAURS + CAVEMEN = shiny new gov't |
[24 Jan 2006|12:23pm] |
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I thought today would be Electorily crummy, but it's not so bad.
A Tory minority is not the end of the world. It will be OK, Friends List!
It could have been a lot worse. To get anything done, they'll have to work with the Bloc, Lib, NDP, who are all centre or left-centre. Tories still don't get it. Canadians aren't socially conservative (small C), and are becoming more progressive every year. And the most fiscally conservative PM we ever had ended up being the most infamously hated in history! It should be a really exciting 4 years seeing what happens as that realisation settles in -- it would be easier on the Tories if they'd won the election on their issues (LOL), instead of the Liberals losing it due to scandal.
LOL @ Toronto saying: "Screw you."
After all the flowers and candy Harper sent us too!!!
What is genuinely irritating is knowing that before we all get sent off to Iraq, all these podunk backwater ex-Alliance hicks are a'comin' up here .... TOUCHING OUR STUFF!!!!!!
SITTING IN OUR CHAIRS!
Fondling our shiny things! PRETENDING THEY CAN READ AND WRITE!
I mean, maybe they can read and write already. I'm not sure. What do they teach you at a "bible college" anyway? Is it about how dinosaurs shared the earth with men??? I love those damn dinosaurs. And 'LEFT BEHIND' starring Kirk Cameron, that's good too. Teach us more Western Canada, I want to get to know your foreign customs.
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| Confused by liquids at the worst possible time |
[04 Jan 2006|01:44pm] |
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 dirty |
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This week I went into to a work conference with some ladies from other orgs that I don't know. It was awkward because they all know each other, and I'm the odd person out. Oh dear, literally.
When you're making small talk in a professional situation, always stick to safe topics. I was especially safe because I said nothing and just sat there like a lump.
One of the women started talking about cleaning her house after her family Christmas. LOL, that is the safest topic in the world. Maybe I can contribute! ... Someone else points out that her office needs to be cleaned too, particularly the tea kettle.
Hey, I have a tea kettle! Damn, I own this topic. Time to get in there, make friends!!!!
"My tea kettle is getting mineral deposits too," I put in. I feign a lost expression. "What should I buy to clean it?" This is a dummy question I'm asking to make people feel helpful and want to talk to me. In real life, I don't care if tea kettles are dirty.
Everyone is excited to tell me housecleaning tips! "Put vinegar in it," they say. "Oh for sure, fill it up with vinegar." Hey, that is actually a good tip I can use, maybe I really will clean that tea kettle. Cool.
"Boil the vinegar for a while, that will get rid of the mineral deposits."
Boil vinegar? Wha--!!!
I hollered: "WHAT? Won't that start a fire?!"
OK I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Why did I think that if you heat vinegar, it will GO ON FIRE? I don't think I've ever heated up vinegar before but when you really think about it, OF COURSE it doesn't burst into flames. If it was flammable, it would say right on it that it was. I don't know what I was thinking! OH MY GOD!
Everyone totally looked at me like: What the hell?
"Couldn't it catch on fire and burn the kettle up?" I don't think at this point my rational brain had caught up to the part of my brain that was certain vinegar is flammable.
"Uh no, you can boil vinegar." The head female and her cronies are all half-laughing at me. The half-laugh you do when you're like: Is this funny ha-ha or funny sad-clown?
The worst part is the meeting started right after that, so while I sat there, I thought about it, and realized that vinegar doesn't go on fire, and that I've boiled wine and THAT didn't burst into flames, so what's wrong with me?
When you say something that betrays your lack of knowledge about the chemical world there's nothing you can do to regain respect; that's for sure!
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| Xmas Week : The Scorecard |
[28 Dec 2005|05:39pm] |
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music |
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JCB!!! wronged xmas no.1 victim |
] |
So far Xmas week has been FABULOUS (like Alexander the Great). Was yours good? If not, oh well! Mine was good enough for all of us.
Queen's Message to the masses = A++
Stupid tiny spool of tape for "gift" in xmas cracker = F
Boxing Day shopping without getting shot in Yonge St. drive-by = A++++++
New runners on my feet for Couch-to-5K Claire-xercisin' = A++
Breaking them in = C+
Food just lying around the house everywhere like it's saying SNACK ME HARD = A+++
Of course, the 2nd best and biggest event: DOCTOR WHO XMAS SPECIAL!!!
HUZZAH. How do we feel about this 10th doctor? Well, I think he's ok so far. It's hard not to think of David Tennant as Casanova though. Thanks a lot BBC. I want to be fair to this new Doctor Who, so I will reserve full judgement for a few episodes. I think Harriet was right to blow up that ship. They were EVIL! Doctor Who can't talk. Doctor Who killed all those Daleks, which has messed up his head! Doctor Who should be less sanctimonious about killing things.
Tomorrow is my birthday; OBVIOUSLY 1st best and biggest event of XMAS 2005!!!!
Also I want to register a major complaint that "Shayne Ward" is the Christmas No.1, this is ridiculous, who does this poser think he is anyway??? No. 1 should be the song about the JCB (watch the cartoon video!!!) as no matter how often they play it, I never get sick of it.
COME ON PEOPLE, IT HAS A GOOD MORAL ABOUT RIDING JCBS AND BEATING UP BULLIES!
PS: If you're thinking about something to get me for my birthday, how about a NASTY DRAMATIC SCANDAL RIDDLED FEDERAL ELECTION, as it's been HELLUVA BORING so far.
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| It must be the holidays |
[21 Dec 2005|02:21pm] |
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mood |
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xxmasy |
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music |
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THAT JCB SONG god help me |
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There's 2.4 million people in Toronto; so why do we keep running into Zanta????
Maybe Zanta really gets around, despite the restraining order, or like Santa Claus, he can be in more than one place at a time to visit people. I hear this is how Our Lord Jesus operates as well.
It's one thing when you see Zanta where you expect to see Zanta, e.g.: Parades, but it's totally disconcerting when Zanta pops up someplace you don't expect Zanta. Two weeks ago I was trying to figure out the elevators at BCE Place when Zanta gets "escorted" through the lobby! According to Zanta's hollerin', Zanta is the spirit of Christmas in the financial sector. OH I AGREE!
I was sitting on the subway last week going out to Runnymede station, of course, totally zoned out in xmas stupor and suddenly I hear some deep muttering & screeching -- OH NO that sounds like ZANTA, seriously COME ON!!! I just closed my eyes in resignation.
( Zanta came thumping down... )
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| Pottery Barn vs. Me |
[08 Dec 2005|12:10pm] |
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overstuffed |
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Fa la la |
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My office is doing one of those humiliating Xmas eXercises where everyone buys a gift under $10, and then you randomly distribute the gifts, and then comes a 'game' where you can have your gift stolen from you or you can steal other people's gifts, and if you're dead inside, I'm sure it's very whimsical in a Wal-Mart Christmas Commercial sort of way.
You might think it's easy to find a $10 gift for your Office Xmas Greed-Orgy, but it's not! You have to bring something classy to make yourself look good. For instance, you could not bring 10 bags of mini potato chips, wrapped in cellophane, with a red and green bell tied on them, like I did two years ago. In fact, if you DID do that two years ago, nobody would ever, ever forget, and you would probably get a little warning-slash-reminder from a colleague about bringing something "traditional" this year.
I figured OK, I can be classy, what's classier than a $10 Xmas ornament from Pottery Barn? That's what I am bringing and you suckers will have to enjoy a stupid boring snowflake ornament you will forget you even own, instead of mini potato chips which everybody fucking loves to eat.
It took me 2 seconds to find an ornament at Pottery Barn. Another minute to pay for it. Done and done, I thought. OH NO, unfortunately Pottery Barn was like, Claire hasn't been humiliated in a while, let's see what we can do.
( I asked Pottery Barn if... )
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| "The weekend was awesome," she said awesomely. |
[14 Nov 2005|10:25am] |
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awesome |
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something my Totti would enjoy, hooting or chanting, prob. |
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What a fun weekend in the city with goooooood weather -- I got to see Anne and Patrick again, and met Sarah From New York and Kimberly from Australia, now we are BFFs, and I almost ate Hot Sping Szeed, and did eat 14 dumplings -- Kathleen, when you read that, don't be food-jealous, you too can eat the dumplings I'll show you where. Good luck with the educational luncheon Sarah, I'm sending you positive energy vibes with my brain.
I was planning to tell about---OH YES PILLOW FIGHT !!!!!
OH MY GOD GUYS, the pillow fight at Yonge and Dundas Square was awesome.
I went down to take pictures knowing Jeremy and Annika would bring the pillows...Turns out that although the "people" had scheduled a public Pillow Fight, there was also an Anti-Gun Rally going on at the exact same time.
HAHAHHA!!!! Mourners + Pillow Fighters = A message: Less guns, more pillows!!!!
( Anti-Gun Rally vs. Pillow Fight...Oh it was ON... )
Of course it wouldn't be a TORONTO PILLOW FIGHT without some generational-self-loathing-slash-kneejerk-Ontario-loathing, so here's one Edmonton blogger's PILLOW HATE. "Alberta, don't hate!" as Sarah would say. Just 'cos we got the pretty, and you got the ugly? That's life, guy!
As you can see by my new icon that I am working on getting Totti to marry me. The barrier to our love is a sad one, as he's in Italy and I'm stuck in my fucking office all the live long day!!!!
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| BLACKOUT in 4/5ths of my LIFE ! |
[08 Nov 2005|03:47pm] |
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TERROR |
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When the lights went out in [Claire's place] |
] |
Last night while I was enjoying me some PRISON BREAK, the lights went off in my apartment! Just in the important bits of my apartment. For some reason, the kitchen light was still on but nothing else.
Aaaaggggh, my Prison Break, my ceiling fan, my novelty lamp, my light-up reindeer, all taken from me! I called up Jenny and she said, "Check the breaker." What in the world was she talking about?
Turns out when the lights go out, you are supposed to flip the exposed switches that the ex-Super said: "You no touch hnn?" when you moved into the apartment.
I went crazy on the switches, flipping them here, flipping them there, nothing. Without my novelty lamps in the bedroom, I was scared to go back into the bedroom. I have no moonlight by the way, but I do get a scary green glow from the storage room in the apartment building right outside my window. Guess you can tell from my lack of readiness for unforeseen events that I am really not ready for Avian Flu (unless it's to die of it).
I had to run down and get the Super, of course, and with him, his wife, who is his official translator. I explained the problem by showing them the darkness, kind of like how I showed my last Super the turd in my toilet.
Super and Superwife wander around in my kitchen, flipping the same switches I flipped. Nothing happens! Now I start to get concerned because next they go straight to poking at shit. The Super opens and shuts my microwave, pokes the overhead light, turns my unplugged toaster upside-down and shakes it so all the trapped bagel bits fall out on his wife...Instead of getting mad, his wife suggested he try turning the faucet on and off. After they did this for a while I no longer had confidence in their ability to solve my problem! Maybe I should go to work and sleep at my desk?
Suddenly PRISON BREAK comes back loud and clear. OMG, I start screaming, YAY WHAT DID YOU DO?
Superwife is really confused, she looks over at her husband, who is playing with my stove. He switches the stove off. LIGHTS GO OUT. Stove goes on, LIGHTS GO ON.
"This is not right," says Superwife.
"How is my tv connected to my stove?" I really have no clue. I don't have an engineering degree like Prison Break guy does.
"TV is not connected to stove," Superwife explains. "Is mistake."
Is mistake, YES!!!
So long story short if I want to type on computer or watch tv or go anywhere but the kitchen, I have to keep the stove on. Also if I want to go to the bathroom at night, FIRST, the stove must go on.
Last night when I turned off my lamp I had to RUUUUUUNNNN into the kitchen to switch off my stove, then RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN back under the covers and hope nothing killed me since my lights are off and I am feeling very vulnerable!
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| Hello, CANADA SPEAKING, how may I help you? |
[27 Oct 2005|11:09am] |
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T REX |
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I was sitting at my desk this morning eating my maple donut all peaceful-like when I got a phone call. You people know I'm always crazy jazzed to be answering the phone, as it's always an adventure!
I pick it up, but I don't get a word in 'cos:
"Hello!!! This is [Name], I'm a middle school teacher in New Mexico and I was on the Internet and I downloaded this document about test scores, and it says that in 1992 your scores were at one lower level and then in 2002 you were second only to Sweden, now in New Mexico the education system is a shambles, our Math it's just nonexistent, kids not able to read, and, I need to know what you did to improve your education in that way. What can we do to achieve your success?"
Ok WHOA, is what I was thinking. Just "WHOA".
I was so sorry for this teacher. She was calling me, out of all Canada she could have called, to answer her questions! What kind of bad luck does New Mexico have? LOL!!!
With great power comes great responsibility. I may be New Mexico's only hope for improvement!
I gave this teacher the hard facts:
1) Yes, it's true. I, Claire, speak for all of Canada's 'education system'.
2) I had no idea we were second to Sweden in something. So that's probably a dirty lie.
3) Our test scores improved because we've been sending our retarded students to New Mexico.
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| Finally I get to make a SERENITY movie post like everybody else!!! LOL |
[21 Oct 2005|01:28pm] |
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Ghost Town - specials |
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I finally saw Serenity last night. LOL, I know, I am so far behind y'all with the movie viewing!!!
It was for free too, which was a good thing. I found this movie "fun" and mark it as a "definite renter".
This is the kind of thing that would be better served going straight to DVD where it belongs, instead of wasting advertising budget by being in theatres. No wonder it didn't make enough money for a sequel! Now I have several thoughts...Thoughts about feeling betrayed by the Internet!
There was all this squee going on up on the ole LJs about how Serenity was ground-breaking, innovative SciFi, etc. I was all excited to see something new.
What were you guys talking about? Were you guys just exaggerating a little bit to get people to rent the DVDs? I would have liked this movie a lot more if people were just honest and said it was a regular action-adventure movie with a weak ending, instead of pretending it was a top 10 SF flick of all time.
I am not trying to be a movie snob when I say this, because I am a fan of MORTAL KOMBAT: THE MOVIE, but come on, Serenity was really really conventional.
( Why did you say it was so special? )
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| A little bit Zombie, a little bit Artsy |
[17 Oct 2005|10:03am] |
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keyboard clickity clackin' |
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October 23rd ---> Toronto Zombie Walk !
On Sunday, October 23rd at 2pm, Zombies of all kinds will gather at the Necropolis Cemetery and wend their way around the streets of Toronto, enjoying the delectation of any brains to which they come in contact.
PEOPLE OF TORONTO, YOU MUST GO TO THIS! My zombie costume will be me, as a zombie, but also, I will recycle some of my 300 left-over ants from last year's Halloween costume, thus my zombie-self will be a zombie who bugs are feeding on! Remember: When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will WALK TORONTO!
---------------
Last month we went to the Gallery 1313 exhibition of the 2004 Toronto Art Awards winners. I had to see Vera Frenkel's installation since Mark & crew worked so hard on it. At the gallery, let me tell you, the Toronto art was BUSTING out all over the place in performances. I love performances!!! LIKE: Eating cake off a girl on the ground! You people know I am down with cake in whatever format it comes to me.
One lady's performance was that she had tied a zillion balloons to herself and she stood around the room -- but here's the catch, the balloons were 7 Deadly Sin Balloons and each one had a sinful sin on it! I connected with this art particularly because it was participatory and we were PERMITTED TO TAKE BALLOONS HOME!!!!
The last time I got a balloon of my very own I had to beg the Bank of Montreal for one they had attached to a velvet rope for some Customer Appreciation day. The funniest thing was getting on the subway late at night with these balloons and seeing people's expressions. I would forget my lovely balloons had writing on them until I could see people reading them, LOL!!!
Lust and Greed stayed in my kitchen in balloon form until they deflated.
I almost forgot to tell the story of how I couldn't find the art gallery and OF COURSE I went down an alleyway which was highly SUSPICIOUS and DANGEROUS looking, thinking that's what trendy art galleries look like these days, and one of Parkdale's homeless youth had to direct me to the right building. THANX FRIENDLY STREET-YOUTH!
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| CAJUN - It's more than just a packet of flavouring!!!! |
[26 Sep 2005|03:49pm] |
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BANJO!!! |
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Chasin' down a hoodoo there |
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Rosie DiManno --- You are the best worst human interest reporter in the MegaCity! We can always count on the Toronto Star for deeply purply prose, but today's column is extra super funny. It's about the bayou! YES, that's where Swamp Thing's house and garden are!
Reporting from Louisiana, Rosie's done a column on Cajun people who live in the Bayou. First thing her audience up North might ask ... Who are these Cajuns anyway?
"These are back-of-beyond people, fishermen and hunters with swamp-smell in their nostrils..."
LOL!
"...21st century survivalists in their fashion; atavistically attuned to their marshy surroundings, the floodwater swelling of coulees, rain dripping from live oak trees garlanded with Spanish moss, rivulets and runnels where alligators cruise silently in shallow depths, where copperheads and water moccasins bask on rocks in the sunshine."
LOL YES LOL awesome, swampy adjectives. Snakes. YES I totally feel like I'm there!
Then Rosie interviews a real life Cajun and notes dem Cajuns don't care for no education:
"Some people along these tributaries speak no "proper" English at all, many generations removed from ancestors who, expelled from Nova Scotia by the English, settled along nearly impenetrable, boggy enclaves, clinging to their language, culture, food and washboard music"
CLINGING TO THEIR WASHBOARD MUSIC in their BOGGY ENCLAVES
NICE
If you read this and don't know what kind of articles run in the Star, you might be like: OMG, is she making FUN of the Cajuns? No worries. Who would make fun of a Cajun? Cajuns are so heroic. Swamping around in their little boats with their animaux (bayou French for "animals"!!!).
After Katrina, some Cajuns worry about their horses, hound-dogs and swamp dwellings, but:
"...Others were worried about their prized cocks, roosters of high pedigree who fight with blades or nails attached to their feet. Cockfighting is legal only in Louisiana and New Mexico."
OK, being a Cajun sounds 100% awesome, except of course, for all the inbreeding:
"Everyone seems to have at least a nodding acquaintance with one another."
Ewww...!!!
Turns out the roosters were ok after all at the end of the story but .. "Guidry could not, however, find his pa."
OH NO, PA DONE GONE MISSING! Somefolk best check the boggy enclave...
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| Discreeter then you're discrete Livejournal ! ! ! |
[22 Sep 2005|01:29pm] |
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 working |
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music |
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sad twang music from gay cowboy |
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Thursday. Bored? Me too! Work? Not right now thank you!
Americans fight over the tackiest way to display public grief. I don't agree with critics. How could something called a "International Freedom Center" possibly be anti-American? I think orientation videos are the wrong way to go. I would airbrush a big eagle with a tear coming out of his eye on the side of the building. That says everything right there and nobody could get offended.
HAHAHAH, why kan't the kidz read??? "I have seen students present high school English grades in the 90s, who have not passed our simple English test. And I don't know why," said Ann Barrett, managing director of the University of Waterloo's English language proficiency program. Oh no, this article shames my alma mater!! I love these articles about reading and writing skills in decline because it means we all get to read the follow-up grammar nazi Livejournalers ranting about Discrete vs. Discreet. To save everyone the trouble of typing out their posts, I will sum them up for you:
1) Everyone else my age is dumber than me.
2) I, on the other hand, am fabulously educated, second only to a cloistered monk in reading ability.
OK so here's a season premiere picture of the pussy Lex Luthor (Smallville), with blood coming out of his nose. I hope somebody punched him. Somehow just a photo of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is more badass than Smallville Luthor. I don't know about you other Smallville fans but if Lex doesn't go legitimately super villain soon I will give up on this stupid stupid stupid show----OH WHO AM I KIDDING... Look at Male Model. Oh Clark and his face! His lips calm me. Hey, actual spoilers for upcoming Smallville episodes: 'Aquaman' to have fling with Lois Lane. LOL. Best show ever.
Here's a little something from Phil at Bad Astronomy. When UFO debunker Phillip J. Klass died he left this message behind:
The Last Will and Testament of Philip J. Klass
To UFOlogists who publicly criticize me…or who even think unkind thoughts about me in private, I do hereby leave and bequeath THE UFO CURSE: No matter how long you live, you will never know any more about UFOs than you know today. You will never know any more about what UFOs really are, or where they come from. You will never know any more about what the U.S. Government really knows about UFOs that you know today. As you lie on your own death-bed you will be as mystified about UFOs as you are today. And you will remember this curse.
OH SNAP!!!! That is a good one!!!
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| TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL is HERE!!! |
[05 Sep 2005|04:49pm] |
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Ship of FOOLS |
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BACK on the Livejournal for some exciting awesome news about exciting awesome 30th Annual Toronto Film Festival!!!! It's starting friday; I'm so excited I'm TYPING REALLY HARD IN ALLCAPS way more than USUALLY I DO!!! I'm even SPEAKING IN ALLCAPS at work!
We did the ticket lottery & got 9 of our first 10 movie choices -- including GAY COWBOYS and the premieres of "Breakfast on Pluto", "Thumbsucker", "the Great Yokai War" and "The Myth" (YAY!!!).
My hope this year is not FULL EYE CONTACT with celebrities, just maybe a glance at the sides of their faces. Last year when we looked at Orlando Bloom & he looked back at us, it was really damaging to our feelings and it messed up our heads and basically we just don't want to go there again! If it was a lesser celebrity, like Brendan Gleeson, maybe we could handle it. We'd probably just go, "AWWW Brendan Gleeson, he looks so burly in person!"
But since Keanu Reeves is going to be there, we must prepare ourselves not to freak-out if we have eye contact with something like a Keanu. It was not preparing last year that got us in trouble!
We're going to rush line for the premiere of "Beowulf and Grendel", even though there is Sarah Polley in it and she and I have some serious issues to work out; mainly involving me hating her ass self LOL YOU KNOW IT!
We're also going to see "All the Invisible Children", which is another doomed David Thewlis movie. Another David Thewlis movie nobody else on the planet will see, probably. BUT CHIN UP, ME, I say, to me!!! Between this and seeing "Cheeky" 2 festivals ago, I'm starting to become the world expert on David Thewlis Films That Will Disappear Into The Night & Never Come To DVD. THANKS FOR NOTHING, LUC BESSON :-(
We're taking the week off but if you are in Toronto and want to FESTIVAL IT UP, why not come to a Midnight Madness Screening? All my favourites last year turned out to be Midnight Madness movies. This year the ones I am most looking forward to are "Isolation", the one about the Irish farm where a cow gives birth to a monster and the monster stalks all the farmers, and "Bangkok Loco", this is about a drummer in a Thai rock band who thinks he killed his landlady with an axe! (I don't think he did though).
TIFF 2005 SCHEDULE HERE!
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| Affordable Technologies for your Disturbing Looking Child |
[22 Aug 2005|12:29pm] |
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Bestest Stock Photo in a Computer Sale Flyer ever!!!!
We can't tell if this boy is a vampire, or just an ordinary demon. Maybe he's a vampire about to have an attack of epilepsy. Two afflictions, that sucks!!!
The bags under his eyes say, "But Mummy, I don't want to get up at 4am to be photographed today."
To him I would say, "Child stars aren't BORN, they're MADE, you little bastard! Open your mouth and look excited about affordable technology."
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| Big Mystery, and the job I would have if I didn't have a job already |
[16 Aug 2005|07:01pm] |
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something greek that ends in OPA!!!! |
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Is anybody else as obsessed with the Helios Flight ZU522 mystery as I am???
I'm going crazy here. I MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!! All day we spent coming up with theories.
Questions I have:
The autopsy says passengers were alive on impact, but were they unconscious? If so, what knocked them out for hours but didn't kill them? If they were all unconscious, why did the fighter jets see civilians awake in the cock-pit? Who were these 2 civilians? Why was the co-pilot asleep then, but alive until impact? Why wasn't the Pilot in the cock-pit? Where is the Pilot's body now!? Where are the other 2 missing bodies? Why were oxygen masks dangling from the ceiling and not used? Is the air conditioning problem a red herring? Did the air conditioner kill everyone? Who made the three "distress signal" right-hand turns before sending the plane down into the mountain? Did the plane run out of fuel? Why was there no radio contact for hours? What does Helios know about prior depressurization problems? Did the co-pilot suspect something wrong when he told his mother about the "cold" problems? Are the "cold" problems a red herring too? OMG WHERE IS THE PILOT???
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fortruce is betting on carbon monoxide poisoning -- well not all-the-way POISONING, but just enough POISON to make people sleep for a few hours... I'm don't think CO, because it takes a while to work and the crew would noticed the headache symptoms.
BUT NATURALLY...
We are both QUITE CERTAIN the pilot JUMPED FROM THE PLANE mid-flight. It is the only explanation! Did he have a parachute or NOT, is now the REAL question. Also, maybe the missing 2 passengers were SUCKED OUT THE DOOR, like in the movies. Did the Pilot disable the flight crew first before he did this? Is there a vampire on board? Was the Pilot Raptured and everybody else got Left Behind?
It's days like this when I think about how good I would be as a Plane-Crash Investigationer. Not only can I think "outside the box" but I "play by my own rules" and would come up with solutions to the Plane-Crash Investigations (Name of my reality show I would have too, btw!!) because of my intuition.
The only thing that would be a problem (or a "challenge") for me as PCI would be that I don't like to look at pictures of dead bodies. In the pictures of the Plane-Crashes, I would ask they put a post-it note on top of the bodies, so I don't have to see the bodies, but I would know where in the wreckage they are <--- this is necessary because it gives professionals a "picture" of what actually happened when the plane crashed!
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| Claire vs. The Fax Machine |
[12 Aug 2005|09:40am] |
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fax for the memories |
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The phone just rang and it startled me: "Somebody is calling! Huzzah!! I will wake up and be engaged in life now." I love when people call me. I am so lonely.
"GOOD MORNING, HI HELLO! CLAIRE SPEAKING!!!"
But on the other end I heard the static buzzing of a fax machine. Telemarketers with random numbers calling my office interrupting my personal reflection time, WHY WHY WHY does this always happen when I least expect it???
I hiss into the phone: "OH so you're a fax machine are you? Fuck you very much fax machine! Thanks for calling you piece of shit."
Then there was this voice: "Um... I am not a fax machine."
OH.... When people call, and they are on cells in traffic, the static sounds like a fax machine, it does!
OH NO!!!!!! Seriously guys. OH NO!!!!
Guy on phone is coming into the office to see another manager. I had to damage control explain my side of the story to staff.
My coworkers calling me "Drunk Claire" and "You damn drunk", hurtful things of that nature. I have not been drinking today I just made another judgement error with my mouth.
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